Desperation
by Hannibal-Hopkins
Summary: This takes place 1 year after the end of ‘Hannibal’. It departs from the film canon and follows Clarice’s thoughts and struggles as she comes to terms with her decision. Will Dr Lecter come back and take her with him? Who knows.


Disclaimer: I, in no way, own the characters of Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Clarice Starling and Ardelia Mapp. They all belong to the genius that is Thomas Harris; I've just merely invited them all over to dinner for a moment. I am not making any profit whatsoever from them or this work.  
  
A/N: This takes place 1 year after the end of 'Hannibal'. It departs from the film canon and follows Clarice's thoughts and struggles as she comes to terms with her decision. Will Dr Lecter come back and take her with him?? Who knows. [Apologies if the letter seems as if it's all over the place..I was merely trying to capture Clarice's confusion and desperation when she wrote it.]  
  
My thanks to everyone who has encouraged me and provided feedback on all my works, especially one person, in particular, without whom I'd not have come this far in my journey of Lecterfic writing.  
  
Tata, H  
  
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Desperation  
  
The last of the Jack Daniels was drained from the glass as the hand holding it was then dropped to rest in her lap. Clarice was sat on the comfortable couch and stared blindly into space thinking about this and that. The small apartment that was her home, stood empty and silent, the only sound that could be heard was the clock on the mantle piece counting down the remaining hours of the day. The whole room was in darkness apart from a few beams from the streetlight that had managed to break through the gap in the curtains and come to rest upon the floor inside  
  
The last twelve months had been a blur, her life had been completely turned upon its head and now it had come to a brick wall. It had been a year since Dr Lecter had given her a choice..stay and be used by everyone or go with him and be worshipped and appreciated...she'd made her choice there and had had to live with it for every day since. Not even she could've predicted the events following Lecter's escape from the Chesapeake. The Press running headlines about Lecter and herself, having the Tattler following her about everywhere she went, having them snooping through her rubbish bins looking for anything they could print about, phone calls at all times of the day and night offering her money to sell her story, emails that she didn't want. The final straw came when she received an offer from a leading meat company to promote a product with the slogan "If it's good enough for Lecter and Clarice, its good enough for you" She changed all her contact numbers to avoid anymore invasion into her private life. Her professional life suffered too. The FBI bosses no longer trusted her abilities as an agent. As they had put it during a meeting with her "You fucked up one too many times with the Lecter case, Starling..we can't afford anymore problems with other cases from you", she no longer felt wanted by them and had quit the bureau right there and then. However, what also hurt her was that Ardelia, her best friend, had all but stopped calling.  
  
Clarice had come to the conclusion months ago that she'd made the wrong decision; she knew that it could be changed, or at least she hoped it could, by putting an advert for him to read. He'd written to her, just before she'd changed her contact details, apologising for all the hassle she was getting from everyone. That was all very well for him to say, he wasn't here to suffer it. He'd upped and left when he brought the clever down and had broken the chain between the cuffs linking them. There was also the voice in the back of her head saying *No way girl.you blew it once, do you really think he's going to want you now, after you rejected him?* She couldn't decide whether or not she had it in her to find out, so much had gone on that had left her so tired she could sleep for a week straight.  
  
The grip around the glass, still clutched in her hand, became tighter and tighter until her knuckles turned white under the pressure. Her eyes had now closed and were screwed up, her brow was creased with concentration and her teeth clenched as the words 'never in a thousand years' echoed through her head. An ache began to well up in her chest, but she wouldn't let it escape.she couldn't, not yet. Instead her eyes snapped open as an angry scream filled the air accompanied by the sound of breaking glass from the tumbler she'd thrown against the wall.  
  
"Fuck it..you stupid stupid idiot" she chastised herself "Why the hell did you turn him down? You knew you wanted him, you've wanted him for over ten years, but you just couldn't admit it, you had to play the heroine.but it all backfired" She walked over to the mirror and stared at the face looking back at her "Look at you, you've failed in just about everything you put your hand to. You're nearing your mid thirties and you've got nobody and nothing to show for the past, plus you're talking to yourself..like anyone's going to hear you and run to your rescue, not even Lecter would if he were here!! Ha, that's a joke.like he'd risk coming back, his freedom means everything to him and after last time he's not going to give that up for YOU" She heaved her chest and let a sigh out, shaking her head "I need a coffee"  
  
She walked towards the door, but stopped at her writing desk. She stood and thought for what seemed like ages, but was just really a few seconds, and then she gingerly reached out and moved the pile of old work papers to one side. There it was; his case file. She'd made herself a copy of the file up at the FBI HQ to keep at home. It had lain here untouched for months, she couldn't look at it without seeing the clever, feeling his lips on hers, and his body pressed against her, his scent..him. She took her place behind the desk, flicked on the desk lamp and began to write.  
  
Dear Dr Lecter,  
  
First let me start off by saying that I have no idea why I'm writing to you. I mean its not as if I'm going to send this, let alone that you will ever get to see the contents, is it? I just feel the need to get a few things off my chest.things that have been eating [no pun intended] away inside of me for some time now. Sharing my feelings is not something I find easy to do, that was until I spoke with you.and this is probably why you're the only person who knows me better than myself.  
  
As usual I am all alone, not a soul in the world for me to care for or to be cared by. Ardelia has her life as an FBI agent to lead. My life in the FBI is over.through my own choice, I hasten to add. I would not allow myself the humiliation of eventually being fired over the fiasco that you left me in, so I quit.I walked away from the bureau, from Special Agent Starling..I became the thing that I am now - all alone in the world. Don't worry yourself over me though Dr, I'm used to it.I've grown up with this loneliness that its more like a comfort blanket now than a threat, and yet I still yearn to feel wanted and loved by someone.  
  
I got your letter, in case you're wondering; basically I think you talk a load of bullshit. You say you care, you imply you love me..but where were you when I needed you? When I need you? Where are you when I cry myself to sleep every night? You just left me by myself to cope with the crap that came my way..was your freedom more important to you than anything else? I feel like you lied to me..you told me about our stars being the same, was that a lie too?? Did you say all those things to fuck about with my mind...having a bit of fun on my behalf like every other person I've come across? I thought you were different, obviously I was wrong. And yet I still can't get you out of my head, you're with me everywhere I go, no matter what I do; you're with me. I close my eyes at night and I see you there, I run and you follow me, you're in my dreams, my thoughts.you're everywhere I go..but you aren't there when I want you, when I need you..I search for you and I can't find you.  
  
I replay situations and scenarios in my head, the last time we were together. I still feel your body pressed up against mine, your lips moving over mine.the soft probing of your tongue seeking entry. You have no idea the internal battle I was going through at that precise moment, I was screaming inside.not through disgust, the exact opposite. I wanted to return the kiss, I wanted to take you in and make you mine too, for everything to slot into place.I'm crying now at the thought that I didn't. I listened to my morals, I was the FBI agent and my morals told me to resist and cuff you until the authorities got there. What a joke my morals are, huh?? Where the fuck have they got me now?? Nowhere.that's where they've got me..NOWHERE. I have no friends to depend on, no job I enjoy; you're not even here Dr..there's no one for me to turn to, but you leaving me is what hurts the most. Why didn't you shake me awake and make me go with you?  
  
I've denied my feelings for too long now. I want you here with me now, to hold me, comfort me, keep me warm, and give me a meaning for this pitiful existence that I lead. I know you love me, it taken me this long to see that, and I love you too Hannibal Lecter.I want you with me, I want to be with you. I was blind to everything you were telling me...but now my eyes are open. If only you were here for me to tell you but you're not. I know you will not come back for me.I had my chance and I blew it. That's something I will have to live with for the rest of my days. Where are you Hannibal? You're my heart and I can't live without you.  
  
All my love forever, Clarice  
  
The pen was placed to the side of the note as Clarice read it back to herself, no one was around to hear what she'd put so it was safe for her to read it aloud. Once finished she rose from behind the desk, letter in hand, turned the lamp off and plunged the room back into a comforting darkness. Still clutching the letter she walked towards the door leading to her bedroom, stopping just short of it she looked down at the letter "Forget it Clarice..you blew it completely" With that she screwed it up and carelessly threw it into the shadows on the left-hand side of the room. She entered the bedroom and collapsed on the bed in a state of exhaustion and fell asleep straightaway.  
  
The note had not gone far. It had landed on the ground and came to rest against a pair of black shoes. As soon as Clarice had fallen asleep and it was safe to, Dr Hannibal Lecter bent down and retrieved his note, emerging into one of the beams of light cascading in from outside, so that it zigzagged down his handsome face, he re-read what she'd written. Even though he'd just heard every single word contained spoken by his Clarice, he had to check to see if he hadn't imagined it. He'd been visiting her for sometime now.though she was never aware of it, he came to check on her and watch her while she slept. He'd become increasingly concerned for her over the last few months, she was withdrawing into herself more and more, the sobs he heard coming from her bedroom at night made him want to scoop her into his arms and make it all alright. He never did because he was unsure of what she felt and wanted, tonight she had unconsciously given him all his answers. He had made his mind up that this would be the night.  
  
He folded the letter and placed it in his jacket pocket, he looked up and smiled into the light, his eyes sparkled as the thought of the next chapter that would unfold for both of them. Turning he walked through the open door and into Clarice's bedroom. He sat himself on the side of her bed, looked at her and gently began to stroke her hair back from her face. He put his left arm over the back of her and rested his weight upon it; he used his right hand and began to slowly caress her face  
  
"Clarice. Clarice my darling wake up" he gently spoke the words to her. She stirred in her slumber, moaned quietly and slowly came back to consciousness.  
  
"Clarice I'm here now.shhhh" Her eyes snapped open and met his as she realised who was actually sitting on the bed and coaxing her back awake  
  
She couldn't stop herself when the reality hit her "HANNIBAL" 


End file.
